Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
