Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
