god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
