I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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