dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
