We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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