is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
love makes seman taste better
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
