I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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