At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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