apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
