someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize