Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
