p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
