I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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