I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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