He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
