Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
