If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
