I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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