I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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