I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
