absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
