I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
