I think I won the penis lottery.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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