Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
