the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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