this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
two words: eviction party
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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