two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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