you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
