3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize