I wish you could order shots online.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
