just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
