I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
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