Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
