totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
