im drinking this country out of the recession.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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