My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
