i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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