if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
