If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
