I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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