How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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