too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
