chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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