I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
