So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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