Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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