Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
