I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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