Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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