my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
