I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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