I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
