I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
