dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
