No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
