You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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